Aside

surrender is not defeat

You have to start somewhere, they say.

We both know we’ve started, and it is more a question of which direction to guide the momentum.  were flowing and growing in that direction, or in the other.  a little push here, and strong tug, a dissolving, a reforming.

It’s not the words exactly, at least that is what she said.  It was more like the conference of beauty and underworld and understanding and heaven and earth and art.  we’re all here, waiting. water and pills  and meditations and dreams and anger.  and three square meals a day.  and that slight pain if your shoulder. empty and full.

i read his story, he sued them for what the drug had done to his body.  i saw myself there, dialing the number for health canada to report my own losses, and imagined how anyone could be sure.  that was always my question: how are you so sure?  especially when there is ridicule, and boundary, and misguided compassion.

until it occurred to me, that sureness sometimes was more of a decision and sometimes it was intuition, and sometimes it was being unafraid of the consequences.  accepting the gravest of danger, and knowing that everything is crumbling and growing at the same time.  everything.  and that no matter what so will i.  crumble and grow.

so now i am less afraid of the consequences.

and we both know well now that surrender is not defeat.

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